


This is Not Fine

by TheBearMuse



Series: This is Fine [2]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Friendship/Love, Gen, Modern Character in Thedas, Modern Character in Thedas Challenge, Modern Girl in Thedas, POV First Person, Self-Insert, mcit2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-08-13 01:09:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20165647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBearMuse/pseuds/TheBearMuse
Summary: Reality comes crashing down after the events of This is Fine.





	This is Not Fine

_What if he doesn’t come back?_

The question had been echoing in my head for hours. Ever since Solas had left me alone in this elven sanctuary, I couldn’t stop wondering if it was a trick. Nothing malicious. Just something to keep me out of harm’s way.

_Unless it is._

What if he only agreed to let me come with him because he was feeling sentimental in that moment? Maybe he’d thought better of it. Solas never told Lavellan the truth in Crestwood because she’d make things too difficult for him. Why should I be an exception? Solas had no reason to believe I was right, that there could be another way of bringing down the Veil and restoring the elvhen without destroying everyone else.

_His goals have always been his top priority. And you’re not one of them._

I was nothing more than a distraction. Never had been anything else. Solas couldn’t get me home, so this was the next best thing for him. He could have left me with the Inquisition. I would have found ample distraction there. But if I’d acted against him…

_No, he had to isolate the problem._

I shook my head violently. _This is wrong. _A nearby halla startled and ran off. Guilt settled heavily on my chest. I was the intruder here, not the halla.

_Another creature you’ve imposed yourself on._

The tranquility of the area was almost stifling. As beautiful as the blanket of green was on the surrounding mountains, it also muffled sound. The hushed quiet might have been inspiring to those who followed Solas. But to me, it was another reminder of how alone I was.

_The halla don’t count._

The sanctuary was built on an island in the middle of a small lake. A stone bridge connected the entrance to the outside world. On the back side of the sanctuary, there was a low balcony, not even half a meter off the ground. It overlooked a grassy hillside with bountiful fruit trees. The golden halla lived there. I had hoped to gain peace being here, but instead…

_There can be no peace._

I sighed and turned away, leaning my back against the stone railing of the balcony. The chamber before me had been a comfort in _Trespasser_. The murals of Fen’Harel removing elvhen vallaslin and especially the big wolf statue in the center of the room were an indirect link to Solas. But right now, they were just insufficient replacements.

_He’s not coming back._

I exhaled sharply. _I can’t stay here. _Whirling back around, I climbed over the edge of the balcony and dropped down to the hillside below. The remaining halla scattered.

_See, they’ve left you too._

I trudged down the steep cliffside to the water, where I sat down and curled up in a ball. _This is all so stupid._ I’d gotten so much accomplished as Inquisitor, doing things I’d never thought I could outside of a video game.

_Not well._

Countless lives have been saved because of my efforts.

_Because you already knew what to do._

And now I knew nothing. When I had first arrived in Thedas, I had been petrified of messing up the BioWare canon. But then canon didn’t seem to matter here. Not everything played out like it did in the games. It had given me the freedom to hope that everything would work out in the end.

_You don’t get to write your own ending. This is real. He’s not coming back._

I choked back a sob. Not knowing what was going to happen next was terrifying. Maybe Solas was right and there was only death on this journey. What would I do without him? Going home was impossible.

_That’s why he wanted to send you there._

Of course I hadn’t listened. I only wanted to see the good in the situation. Besides, I doubted humans could do the uthenera ritual to any effect. My outliving Solas hadn’t been a great concern.

_And if he were to die while you’re here in the sanctuary, you’d never know._

My brain needed an off button. It always had. Spiraling like this was a true prison. But I couldn’t stop it.

_You’re only thinking of yourself again. How typically selfish._

But I have to! I need to know what I’m going to do if he doesn’t come back.

_You don’t know how to do anything. Even if you went back to whatever’s left of the Inquisition, you wouldn’t know how to navigate the eluvians without getting lost._

Wait, that means –

_You’re trapped here._

Tears streamed down my cheeks. How could I have been so foolish? I had told Solas I’d be fine.

_This is not fine._

How could it be? I might never see him again. This life I thought I’d made for myself in Thedas is a sham, piggybacked off in-game knowledge and totally reliant on wishful thinking.

_It’s delusional._

I let out a wordless yell of frustration. It echoed back off the mountains, garbled by the acoustics. _Why can’t I have this one thing?_

_Because you’ve abandoned your responsibilities at home. This is your punishment._

It’s not like I had a choice!

_You would have chosen this if you could have. Just another form of escapism._

Because I could make a difference here!

_You didn’t at home._

I did! I helped people!

_Not enough. Plus you abandoned them._

It’s not my fault!

_It is. You wanted this. Now it doesn’t matter. The Inquisitor’s story is done. You are irrelevant._

No!

_This always happens. Either people leave you or you leave them before they can. And you fell in love with a man you knew would leave. You damned fool._

He’s coming back! He said he would and he’s never lied to me.

_Even by omission?_

How had he phrased things before he left? Could I have missed something?

_Of course you did. Because you wanted to._

“Vhenan?”

Solas sounded very far away.

_That’s because he’s not here._

“Vhenan?”

Sharper that time. He _is_ here! But he can’t see me like this.

_Pathetic._

“Nancy?”

Now there was a tinge of worry in his voice.

_You’re imagining it._

I tried to get up but fell, foiled by a mess of sleeping limbs. It didn’t matter. I didn’t know whether to run toward him or away.

_You have nowhere to hide anyway._

“Ah, there you are! What are you doing back here?”

I didn’t look up as Solas pulled me to my feet. There was no way to conceal that I’d been crying.

“What’s happened?”

_Tell him. Tell him the truth so that he finally decides you’re not worth the trouble. He won’t come back next time._

Solas’s hand – the unmarked one – brushed away my tears. I had to tell him. _If I can’t trust Solas now, after all we’ve been through, who can I trust?_

“I thought you weren’t coming back.”

Solas looked stricken. I braced myself for…something. Something bad. Instead I was pulled into a tight embrace.

“Ir abelas, vhenan,” he murmured into my ear. “My return was delayed. I did not mean for you to worry.”

Something in me let go. _He’s not mad._ Only then did I hug Solas back.

“I think…” Why were words hard? “I think this goes deeper than that, vhenan.”

He led me back inside the sanctuary and listened as I explained everything as best I could. The overwhelming sense of fear that everything was going to go wrong. That I’d already failed, despite all my successes. That I would let him down. That I was already letting him down by adding another burden to his already lengthy list of responsibilities. That even if I somehow managed to survive everything and he didn’t, I’d be left alone. And if I didn’t, I feared for him.

“Of course, the worst part is telling you any of this, since you already have enough burdening you. But you deserved the truth, especially since I don’t know if this will ever go away.”

I sighed and stared at the bottom of the cup of tea Solas had made. I generally wasn’t a huge fan of tea, but I made an exception under certain circumstances that warranted a warm, soothing drink. This was one of those circumstances.

Solas spoke at last. “It would be foolish to tell you not to trouble yourself over me. You would worry regardless, I presume.”

A laugh escaped me. I nodded. There was no use in denying it.

“There will always be circumstances beyond our control. However all of this ends, you cannot blame yourself for your part in it. The fault lies with me.”

“That’s why I didn’t want to tell you. It’s unfair! You’re already dealing with the past. You don’t need my unnecessary guilt on top of it.”

“Vhenan.” Solas gripped my arms firmly, fully fixing my gaze on him. “I am glad you told me. I will take greater care not to leave you so isolated. As long as I am able, I will always return to you.”

That was a pretty large caveat, but it was enough to quiet the doubt in my heart. He wanted to come back. That’s what mattered. I wrapped my arms around him.

_Maybe this is fine after all._


End file.
